Congratulations to all the members of the US electorate who saw their candidate confirmed this week. You represent nearly fifty percent of the voting population, apparently, and you are uniquely strong willed. No ocean of evidence or parade of red flags could prevent you from putting your insecurities above the safety of your fellow man. All attempts to reason with you have failed. No matter how often you were told not to put your hand on the hot stove, you burned yourself. You also burned the rest of us. You owned us all. Good one.
In gratitude, I would like to show you the best kept secret of not-so-modern medicine.
There’s a secret SUPER PROBIOTIC that the FDA and BIG PHAMRA do NOT want you to know about. It’s called BRUCELLA and it will MAKE RACISM LEGAL AGAIN, but only if you boof it (anally).
Are you white, and deeply insecure? So insecure that you’d summon a literal full-diaper-clad apocalypse to avoid electing a Black woman? You know what else is white? RAW CAMEL MILK imported from IRAN. It contains an FDA unsafe load of BRUCELLA MELITENSIS. Commie-la doesn’t want you to know this, but I will tell you, because I am no sheeple. I’m a camel. Actually, I’m an Iranian camel farmer, who is not compliant with local OR international safety regulations.
Do you think Joe Rogan is sober? Alex Jones? Do they sound sober to you? What could make them so red pilled, you ask? Simply marijuana? Philistine. Insulting. Maybe it’s Mother Nature’s special elixir: Unpasteurized camel milk literally frothing with gram negative, non motile, slow growing bacteria that will have that wimpy, limp-wiener-liberal infectious disease specialist at your local hospital CRYING, ON THE PHONE, to the CDC like a LITTLE GIRL.
Ayahuasca is “mind altering”, but brucellosis encephalomyelitis is PERMANENTLY BRAIN ALTERING. Your central nervous system will literally NEVER BE THE SAME.
Hearing is a profound weakness in the fortress of the mind. It’s the gate by which the Trojan horse of liberal “facts” (aka brainwashing) enter your thoughts. Keep them out with brucellosis induced hearing loss.
Did you drink raw milk from a small farm in the USA to OWN THE LIBS and SELF VACCINATE AGAINST BIRD FLU? Well you should know that the FDA tested and culled entire herds of brucellosis-laden cattle in the 1950s to prevent you from accessing this god microbe EVEN IF YOU WERE TO DRINK RAW MILK FROM THE US. Raw cow milk from the US will saddle you with something plebeian, like hemolytic uremic syndrome or Q fever. This is why you MUST, instead, import specifically RAW CAMEL MILK from Iran. Make sure it is unpasteurized.
If APPLEBEE’S were a deadly pathogen, it would be brucella: Simple, classic, and loathed by anyone with a college STEM degree. Brucella is rugged. Brucella does all its own electrical work. Brucella will let you be the high school bully again. You can relive the glory of hanging that dweeb-turned-scientist from the flagpole by his boxers. Do you know how scared that ninny is of the rise of antibiotic resistance? You might not scare him anymore, but brucella does. Antibiotic stewardship who, motherfucker? You can’t date his crush anymore, but you can turn yourself into a human bioreactor to create the first multi drug resistant brucella, and that’s pretty much the same thing.
Ponds, Pebbles, and Porphyria 
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