You look well. No, I will not explain what that really means, but given the way I emphasized odd parts of the sentence, it’s probably something. Let’s go down to the tea shop on the corner and get drinks. I love their green-juice-base-extra-boatload-of-turmeric latte.
Yes I do drink them everyday. Sometimes twice, as a little treat! Oh the five kidney stones I passed this year? No, those things wouldn’t be related. Why would you think they’re related? My kidney stones are actually caused by my childhood trauma. They are purely a manifestation of emotional stress. Luckily turmeric and spinach are really good at reducing stress levels. Some mushrooms contain adaptogens which reduce stress, so I’ve been using mushrooms my friends forage in the woods to make tea. Which types of mushrooms? I don’t know, I’m not really a mushroom person. I just found some of them. I found them.
Related to stress, actually, I’ve had terrible diarrhea. You wouldn’t believe it. I would describe it as the residue you might find on the floor at the jiffy lube garage, oil mixed with black, gritty material. The force of materials exiting my butthole breaks OSHA violations regulating acceptable gas and liquid flow and pressure rates. It’s kind of embarrassing, but NASA keeps reporting my bowel movements as atmospheric events. Recently my carbon monoxide alarm goes off when I have really bad gas, so naturally I took the batteries out. It kept beeping even with them removed, so I threw it away. Never in my life have I had anything like it. All of this was triggered by that time my coworker, Sheryl, asked why I wasn’t married at my age. It’s also triggered unbelievable back pain. Why are you questioning me? Of course that makes sense! Stress causes muscle tightness causes back pain! Extremely common, by the way. Admittedly the high strength, max dose, painkillers I am forced to take around the clock to control the pain have only reduced it by about half. A Priest saw me writhing in pain at the farmer’s market and prayed over me with a rosary, weeping openly and making appeals to God. I lost twenty pounds without even trying. Suck on that, Jillian Michaels!
Why are you worried? Of course I saw a doctor! What, do you think I’m stupid? That’s really rude of you to ask, actually. He confirmed my suspicions, all stress related! Which doctor? My sports medicine doctor. Yes, he’s a “real doctor”. The doctor-y kind. Listen. He’s a real, honest to god, doctor of chiropractic medicine.
Wow dude, alright. You’re not a doctor and he is, so I don’t know why you would doubt him, but I did see a “real medical doctor” too. CT scan? What’s that? No he didn’t order any kind of scan, but he gave me medications for anxiety and depression, since those are the cause of my pain, weight loss, and diarrhea. He doesn’t take insurance. He’s pay out of pocket. His specialty is psychiatry, and yes he’s the only “real medical doctor” I am willing to see. I might consider an acupuncturist if things got really bad. I guess I didn’t strictly mention the bowel stuff when speaking to him, or the intense pain, but I did mention the anxiety repeatedly. I had an upper endoscopy ten years ago and it was mostly normal, fyi, so there’s nothing medical going on, ok? You don’t need to worry about it. I even had a chest x ray once, ten years ago, after my unexpectedly positive PPD, and that was also mostly normal. Once I had a thyroid blood test. I don’t know what an MRI is, and I’m unsure if I’ve ever had one. I was born under the house of Mars. I do my due diligence. I saw a palm reader two weeks ago and she said I would live a long time.
Anyways you know who LOVES my weight loss? The HOT barista at this tea shop. He keeps commenting on how my skin looks looser, in like, a really admiring way. He even asked if he could have my measurements, because he’s an aspiring fashion designer, and he said he’d love to do something special with me. Yes, he said he’d like to do something “with me” not “for me”. No, that’s not a weird thing to say. You read into things too much.
He’s tall, tattooed, bearded, a modern Prince Charming slinging turmeric laden green juice. Yes he does have blue eyes! How did you know? What?Dude, don’t tell me he “matches the description of that guy abducting local women”. That’s so rude. You lack self awareness. Why do you always want to rain on my parade? Lots of men have blue eyes, don’t you think you’re leaping to conclusions?
No no, it’s fine. Apology accepted. Anyways, he asked my blood type! Isn’t that romantic? He even calls out my blood type and writes it on my cup instead of my name! “Green booty juice, add boatload of turmeric, for Miss O positive!” It’s been over a month and he still remembers. I bet he’s the kind of man who remembers anniversaries.
Ponds, Pebbles, and Porphyria 
Leave a comment